16 December 2021

Winter Reflections

 I've been thinking a lot about my life, Creatures and everything.

No the answer isn't 42, fish or anything obvious.

My life really came to a head when I knackered my ankle again. It forced me to take time off work. This freed up time to deal with the bird flu season, which again wasn't resting it.

Being forced to be at home drove me a cabin sick, butting heads against my fiance. Realising that the man who is (and has been) doing so much for me wasn't the problem. I realised I was still grieving for my cat, my animal brother, who died so recently. I let myself cry for the first time in too long, pulling out the cork from this rancid bottle of emotions.

After that I delved deeper, and saw other emotional scars that had not healed properly, some for decades.

So I kept swimming, throwing myself back into work, but more carefully. Opening up to friends and family. Sometimes oversharing, sometimes being prickly and stubborn...but learning.

Seeking the balance again.

I'm being more careful, sharing where I can, revealing what I thought was inner ugliness, but being shocked by acceptance and love.

This growth has been painful, tearful, but fruitful. It is reflected in my approach to many things.

Creatures has often been a refuge to me, a microcosm of life, humanity and everything, a fruitless attempt to control. I believe what brings me back is that one *cannot* control.

One can only experience, learn and move on.

Sometimes the best apology is becoming a better person.

Sometimes one must weep before you can smile again.

The past is but a memory, the future is merely hope, it is only in the now that we truly live. 

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